AVOIDANCE: THE HEART OF MY ADDICTION

A few months ago, a dear friend assisted me in recognizing that I have an addiction to food. In exploring this addiction and in learning about addiction in general, I have reached a conclusion. I believe that at the root of most, if not all addictions, is the desire to avoid something. Therefore, for me at least, the true addiction is avoidance. If I don't want to feel whatever I'm feeling, I will seek out something or someone to distract me so I can avoid feeling those things. If I don't want to do something, I will seek out something or someone to distract me so I can avoid doing those things. 

These are new realizations for me, and, unfortunately, some aspects of my life have become unmanageable because of my addiction to avoidance. I am grateful to have come to these realizations. Now I can begin to consciously make different choices. 

Is the desire to avoid some of these things still there? Big time. It will probably always be there. Do I want to continue down the path of destruction by giving into it? No, and I know, with God's help, I can develop healthier habits and overcome this part of my "natural man." 

"The Road Less Traveled"

Sometimes I wish I could turn off my heart. And, yet, I know how miserable life is not being able to feel. For most of my life I’ve been “accused” of being too sensitive. In a world where all too often deep emotions are unappreciated and seen as inappropriate, being one who feels deeply has not been easy. Mine has often been a lonely path much like the one described by Robert Frost.

The Road Not Taken

BY ROBERT FROST

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

A few years ago, I experienced the greatest shock of my life. In the process of adjusting to the changes brought about by this shock, I began to shut off myself from my emotions. I was so successful that, earlier this year, someone described me as the most “Zen” person they knew. I was a bit taken aback by that. Those who have known me my whole life would have thought I’d been possessed by aliens.

Recently, I began to not just let myself feel again, but to accept my emotions as they are. This includes accepting and finding joy in the fact that I can and do love many people, including some who will not or cannot love me back. Perhaps in time, they will learn to love as I am striving to do, but, if not, I am still blessed for loving them.

In many ways, my life has been “The Road Less Traveled” and it continues to be. I am becoming someone I can love and admire and therein lies a very great lesson and blessing. Like Robert Frost attests in his poem, “I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” 

Motivation, The Myth

We are taught from a young age that the "right" motivation will enable us to accomplish any goal. We teach this to our children by offering both positive and negative consequences and then are baffled when they make choices that lead to the opposite of what they wanted. Yet, we do the same thing ourselves.

How many times have you set a goal in a motivated moment only to find it nearly impossible to maintain the motivation long enough to achieve the goal? I know I'm guilty of this. I also see it in those around me every day.

What are we missing? What are we not teaching our children? Commitment. I propose that it is commitment and not motivation which enables us to achieve our goals. Think about it. When we are truly committed to something, it becomes a priority. When we make something a priority, we do all we can to arrange our lives around seeing that priority accomplished.

So, commit yourself to your goals; make your goals a priority. Then, you will see them come to fruition.

TOUGH LOVE

I just had a conversation with my daughter where I had to inform her that something she was excited about couldn't happen because of some poor choices she made less than 48 hours ago. She is disappointed and so am I. At the same time, I know that it is critical that she connect her actions today with the options available to her tomorrow. She is beginning to understand.

Most of us are familiar with the concept of Tough Love, particularly in parent/child relationships. The experience I just had with my daughter is one example of Tough Love. There are so many more examples. Tough Love is the father who turns in his son for criminal activity but remains beside him throughout the process. It's the mother who takes her son's car keys to encourage him to take more responsibility for his choices. It's the parents who work together to enforce negative consequences despite their own sadness and that of their child. Even our Heavenly Father uses Tough Love when He responds "No" to the righteous desire of His daughter to enable her to experience greater growth and joy in the future.

I, and many people I know personally, have become rather practiced in applying Tough Love in their relationships with their children. Though it never gets easy, we understand the importance of Tough Love and how not using Tough Love can lead to our children not being able to function effectively in the real world. Because we love them, we want them to be able to function well and succeed. 

But, can we apply this concept of Tough Love to ourselves? Can we do better at managing ourselves, our time, our talents and resources by using Tough Love on ourselves? I think we can.

Before we can exercise Tough Love with anyone, we must love that person. So, if we are going to practice Tough Love with ourselves, we must first Love ourselves. I know for many this can be challenging. 

When I think about loving myself, the first thing I feel is guilt. Where does this guilt come from? I believe it comes from the idea that loving oneself is akin to being conceited or even narcissistic. I propose, however, that in learning to love ourselves, truly love ourselves, our capacity and desire to love others increases. Focusing on this then, allows us to shed the guilt that is one of Satan's tools to bring us down and prevent us from progressing.

How many times do we see something that we know we shouldn't eat and eat it anyway? How many times do we spend money for things we don't need? How often do we choose to spend time on the computer or watching TV instead of being productive and overcoming the clutter in our homes? I can only truly speak for myself, but the answer is too often. 

So, how can we change that? I believe the answer lies in applying the concept of Tough Love to ourselves. 

I am working hard to improve my physical health. Part of doing this is resisting the urges to consume and especially binge on junk food. Another part is making exercise not only a regular part of my life but a priority. It means loving myself enough to be tough on myself and say "No" to the hamburger and fries and "Yes" to the fish and veggies. It means saying "No" to hitting the snooze button and "Yes" to dragging myself out of bed and to the gym. 

The Tough part is truly about sacrificing a little of something today for something better tomorrow. I know that celebrating each little success helps to make the next sacrifice that much easier to choose, and, eventually, a day comes when we look and are pleasantly surprised by a change that has occurred. I had one of those moments today.

I've been fairly good at getting to the gym and working out regularly - I made it a priority. For as long as I can remember, I've had "saddle bags" on the outside of my upper legs. This morning, I put on a skirt that is fitted through that area and was surprised by what I saw in the mirror. The bulges are gone. This surprise success has added motivation to my knowledge of what I need to do as I continue on my path to better health.

Tough Love works for our kids. It can work for us, too.

Tonight's Insight: Feelings

Sundays tend to be challenging days for me lately because I'm very often alone for most of the day. As someone with strong extrovert tendencies, this often leads to strong feelings of loneliness. Today was no different until this evening.

This evening, I made the decision (and succeeded in carrying it out) to go for a walk in the rain. Though it was barely raining when I walked and I didn't walk very far, the physical sensations of the wind and rain on my skin helped to assuage the emotional turmoil inside of me.  I'm thinking that perhaps when my body is lacking in physical sensation, my brain responds by triggering my heart to feel too much.

Thus begins my experiment. When I sense the emotions becoming overwhelming, I will seek out safe and appropriate physical stimulation to help me cope in a healthier way for myself and for those around me.

CHANGE - to be Feared or Friended

I'm in a situation right now that is somewhat unique to me. In the past, Change has often been thrust upon me by the choices of others. Right now, I am facing a Change that I have worked really hard to bring about. Yet, I found myself filled with the same fear and anxiety over this Change as I have previous Changes.

As I worked to replace my fear with faith, I pondered the cause of the fear. Sure, there were reasons/excuses for it. However, in all honesty, the fear stemmed simply from preconditioning. Recognizing this, I became determined to overcome that preconditioning.

I've heard it said that Change is one of the few things we can count on in this life. Perhaps because Death and Taxes are the other things spoken of as being unavoidable, our society in general seems to view Change as a negative thing.

I thought briefly of the Changes that have occurred, that were thrust upon me, in the last four years and, in truth, I am grateful for where those Changes have led me. With this in mind, I've decided that it's time for me to embrace Change as a friend.

Change has been a blessing in my life. Change has helped me become who I am today and I really do like myself. True Change is challenging. Change helps us to grow and to gain the experience required to become our best selves especially when we allow Christ to be our guide.

Independence Day

Before rising on the morning of July 4, 2013, I came across a quote from Nelson Mandela. He said, "As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison." Nelson Mandela internalized a truth that is foreign in our world today. On the day he was released from the physical prison that held him, he declared in his heart his Independence from bitterness and hatred. I believe we have Independence Days that we do celebrate and many more potential and individual Independence Days that we fail to recognize for what they are. 

Many countries throughout the world have a day on which they recognize and celebrate declaring and/or obtaining their Independence from another country. My country, the United States of America, declared Independence from England on July 4, 1776, 237 years ago. We celebrate with parades, carnivals, fireworks, and family get togethers. 

On Easter each year, Christians throughout the world celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. When Christ suffered for our sins and rose from the dead, He declared Independence from death for all who lived, live or will live on this earth as well as from sin for all who accept His gift and grace.

There are many milestones throughout an individual's life that can be considered personal Independence Days. When an infant begins crawling and then walking, they are declaring Independence from having to be carried everywhere. When we learn to talk, we declare Independence to communicate in a language common to those around us. As we are potty trained, we declare Independence from diapers. Later, as we graduate from High School and College, we declare our Independence from formal schooling. The list of these types of Independence Days could be much longer, but there is another kind of Independence that I'd like to discuss.

How many of us have been imprisoned by our own and/or others' choices? Can we too declare Independence from those things that hold us bond? I declare that we can. This is part of the gift of Christ's grace.

In my own life, I've had many opportunities to declare personal Independence and to watch others do the same. I've watched as loved ones have chosen the difficult path of declaring Independence from addictions and seen the great joy that has been their reward as they have progressed down this path. As a teenager and young adult, I declared Independence from a terrible temper. In 2009, I declared Independence from an abusive marriage. I am in the process of declaring Independence from an addiction to food as well as from the effects of the various traumas I've experienced throughout my life. I'm supporting my daughter as she struggles to declare and gain Independence from her own traumatic past. 

I believe that as we open ourselves to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we will be blessed with the strength to recognize and acknowledge the areas in our lives where declaring Independence will bring us and our loved ones closer to God and fill us with more peace and joy. It takes great courage; sometimes it even requires us to constantly recommit ourselves to the Independence, but the rewards of doing so far outweigh the efforts required. 

Let us all strive each day to declare Independence from those things that hold us bond in a way the betters us and the world around us.

Observations About Conversation

I found myself sitting at home alone for another evening and thinking about the conversations in my life. I spend my days, primarily, greeting and serving customers and rarely connecting on any true level. Many of my evenings are spent at home with a sweet little dog. She and I have a deep connection, but true conversations between us are limited by our "language barrier." I speak with my daughter nearly every day. Again, we have a connection and, while her conversational abilities are slowly improving, her special needs limit the depth of conversation we can enjoy together.

A few times each week, I have the opportunity to enjoy true conversation with some of my friends. While some of these conversations center around the challenges each is facing on a particular day, some of them are deeper and more uplifting. I have found myself longing for, even craving, these deeper, more inspiring conversations.

Wednesdays are some of the days I can look forward to these more uplifting conversations. However, today, I was unable to participate in them as I have grown accustomed to doing. I was lounging around longing for these deeper conversations and thinking about what a difference these connections make in my life. 

I began to think of the times I have heard others complain about the lack of adult conversation in their lives. Usually this complaint comes from Stay-at-Home Moms whose lives are challenging and whose contributions are often under valued (but that's another subject). Having been a Stay-at-Home Mom for a few years, I agree that adult conversation is necessary to remain sane and to be able to thrive surrounded by children all day. 

I have discovered another time when such true conversation is in short supply. As a single woman, currently living alone, these conversational connections are often few and far between. I hope that in recognizing this, I will be more assertive in seeking out such conversations. 

I wonder if men experience similar longings for true conversation. 

Chores

I was really struggling, in part due to recent depression, with completing tasks/chores at home. It's only me at home right now and I lacked the motivation to fight the depression at home after fighting it to get to and through work. A friend suggested doing a challenge with me and I figured it couldn't hurt.

Each day for a week, she and I and another friend agreed on a set of household tasks that needed to be completed that day. If we succeeded each day, we'd get together and celebrate.

It worked! I accomplished so much that week. Since then, I've found success through simply sending my list to the second friend each day and she is doing the same. I feel some accountability this way and am more productive at home.

This increased productivity has also improved my mood and is assisting in overcoming the depression. I'm very blessed.

Focus

About a month ago, I had the opportunity to attend a special session of my Stake's Conference in the Chapel of the Salt Lake Temple. During this session, a member of the Temple Presidency spoke and shared a quote from a General Authority that hit me hard - in a good way. I've tried to find the exact quote and haven't found it yet; thus I only have my human memory to go off of. The quote said something like, "When we cease to be motivated by money, things will fall into place."

I realized right then and there that many of my day to day decisions were made based on a "need" for money. I was so focused and overwhelmed by this "need" that I wasn't putting my trust completely in God like I should. Money was my motivation. I determined right then to change this.

Over the last month, I have striven to make decisions based not on how much money I'd receive, but on what I felt would be best for me and my family and, in some cases, for an even greater good.

It hasn't been easy and making ends meet is still challenging. That said, I have more peace, less fear and have  been the recipient of some surprising and unexpected blessings. I have sifted my focus and am developing a healthier balance. I am happier than I've been in a while. For this and all of my blessings, I a very grateful.

Fortune Cookie

I enjoyed a fortune cookie this evening. The fortune inside it...
"You will always have good luck in your personal affairs."
This goes along with the many blessings and promises I've received.

doTERRA Pain Relief

I've started using doTERRS Essential Oils for several things, but today I'm talking about the pain relief I've experienced thanks to doTERRA.
For quite some time, I have had pain in my lower back. Seeing a chiropractor helps, but only until my pelvis rotates again (something it does frequently and that I'm working to fix by strengthening some specific muscle groups). In the meantime, I needed something to help lessen the pain, especially while at work. Ibuprofen and Tylenol were only taking the edge off. I decided to try doTERRA's essential oils. I figured it couldn't hurt and it might help.
After a week of applying Peppermint and Bergamot essential oils along with doTERRA's Balance Blend, I actually finished my sift yesterday with almost no pain, where the week before I could barely move - the pain was so bad.
Yay, doTERRA!!!!!

If you'd like more info, this link is a pdf of one of doTERRA's brochures.
http://www.doterra.com/tools/documents/CPTG_Brochure.pdf

The Child has an Ah Ha moment.

A recent conversation with Anna went like this:

Anna: Mom, did you notice that we get along better over the phone than in person?

Me: Yes. Why do you think that is?

Anna: Because I'm nicer.

Me: I agree. So, what do you need to do so we get along better in person?

Anna: Be nicer. 

I'm happy mom when she figures these things out. 

Resolutions

As a rule, I don't make New Year's Resolutions. If a goal is good on New Year's Day, it's good any time throughout the year. So, last week, at a Relief Society get together, I announced two goals or resolutions I've made for this year. The first is to NOT get married this year. This one shouldn't be difficult to achieve. The second is to go out on dates with at least a dozen different guys. I think it's safe to say that I've never gone out on dates with even close to a dozen different guys in one year before. This is part of the reason I want to achieve this goal. I want to get to know several guys and just have some good clean fun. I'm hoping, too, to show Anna that this is the better way to date, especially in high school - better late than never for me, right? :)

Brief Update

Rey and I did have a beautiful wedding. Sadly, the remainder of the year did not go as expected. The wedding did not result in a marriage and I expect an annulment to be finalized any day. 

In November, I lost my job at the college earlier than expected, though through no fault of my own. I was blessed to obtain another job, and one that I am enjoying more, after only a month. 

Anna found these and the many other changes that occurred very challenging and it has become evident that she needs the intense therapy of a residential program for a while. It's not been an easy decision for me to reach, but I'm grateful to know she'll be getting the help she needs and hopeful that she'll be ready to surround herself with more positive people when she comes home.

Through it all, I've been blessed with the love and support of friends and family near and far.